Author Topic: Pictures for FUN (Read 135438 times)

MIHALS · « **Reply #2340 on:** 15-Feb-2010, 11:29:32 »

damn, that makes me sick

Skaala · « **Reply #2341 on:** 15-Feb-2010, 16:27:17 »

"I was driving on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck.

He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.

I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot!" I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this.

As I drive away, she yells, "*******" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly."

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, "I told the cop," Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this ******?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! "

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

Received from Linda McDermon.